When I was a child…

When I was a child…

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Hi. So, I thought I would share a little more about me, Kate.  For starters, I am the 5th born out of 8 kids.   6 boys, 2 girls.  And no, we were not Catholic.  And yes, I’ve heard of the Duggars.  And yes, each of us have been left at church at one point.  And no, I didn’t wear my brothers’ hand-me-downs.  And YES, my mom is the real Wonder Woman. #SorryGalGadot #ItsTrue.  Yes, big families are fun.  🙂 Crazy, but fun.  Wouldn’t trade any of my family members for anyone. (Well…except for……..I’m jk.  Not even that sibling. ;P)

I grew up in the surrounding, good ‘ole Toledo, Ohio area.  Ohio’s own Glass City. With the Toledo Mudhens. Tony Packos.  The Art Museum. The Toledo Zoo (Rated best in nation in 2014). 10,000+ Metroparks.  The Toledo Walleye.  Heck, even hometown to a couple celebs: Katie Holmes and Jamie Farr.   I also grew up in the country.  Well, kinda. My family had horses, dogs, cats, chickens, parakeets, fish, hamsters…and probably some other unidentified creature I’m forgetting.  But weirdly, my parents did not have a farm. Personal theory:  I think they were bored with life and thought they would create their own zoo.   “Let’s have several kids and animals, then see which kids make it to adulthood!” Something like that…. (“Hey Mom! Look! I made it!”).   As a toddler, I was what you would call…the…um (this is embarrassing to admit)..… Grocery Store Screamer...? #SoSorryMom.  I was also that kid that challenged her parents and asked “Why?” all the time. I was also the nostalgic type and buried a time-capsule in my parent’s back-yard. I loved doing radio plays with my younger siblings. I re-arranged my room 3 times a year. (Just ask my mom.  Wait. She doesn’t know you. Don’t ask my mom. That’s weird.).  I even wrote letters to my future self. (Me, age 8:  “You are 30, you are getting olde now, but don’t forget, you are Awsome! Remember to kiss your kids good nite.”)  #Aww #LittlePastSelfMe

Okay so.…girl named Kate…. big family….grew up in the Toledo area…adventurous child…got it.  So, what else about me?  Hmm…. well, other then the fact that I can’t divulge too much (because I need to remain mysterious so you’ll keep reading. #clearly), how about….what made me decide to start blogging? And, what do I like to blog about?   First of all, I am typically a very private person so this is foreign to me. (Hmm…*this registers a thought*….maybe I should have a pseudonym….hmm…*Insert Thinking Emoji*). However, that aside, I love to write.  So, what better way to fuel that love then to.…. start a blog! #ImProfoundIKnow  (That, sure, okay, maybe only my grandma will read. Or your mom. Or the FedEx lady. But hey, like they say: if I brighten one person’s day, I’ve done my job.)

As you may have gathered, I love writing comedy.  I am also addicted to parentheses (can you tell?).  I like to read.  From Consumer Reports to the ingredients label on a jar of pickles.  (Did you know? Vlasic has Polysorbate 80? Well, now you do. See? Now you’re smarter.  Except.….that’s what you would call useless information. So nevermind.)  I also enjoy writing about life/random. More specifically, those experiences that we, millennials, go through in trying to figure out his or her life. From relationships to car payments to social media to starting our 401k (Traditional 401k or Roth? Do you know the difference? Most Millennials don’t.).     I enjoy reading and writing about health/fitness.  Green Tea over coffee.  I eat blueberries like crack.  (Hey, they’re high in antioxidants!)  Did you know? You are a half-inch taller in the morning then at night. (Yes, I’m that person that always has a random fact in her head.  Yes, I know that makes me weird. But like they say…normal is for boring people. #RatherBeWeirdThenBoring #MyFreakFlagIsFlying #WhatDoesThatEvenMean #OkayIllRollWithIt). Very simply, and playing to my strengths here, my philosophy is this:  A. Make my readers laugh, and B. I hope they can learn something in the process.

Well, I gtg. I’m really hungry.  And I can’t write when I’m hungry.  Because it turns to hangry.  Plus, it’s Black Friday and I need to jump online to check out the (pre)cyber Monday deals.  In my adult footie pajamas. #HeyDontJudge. Hmm…while eating Pizza Rolls.  And listening to Norah Jones.  (Nope, not ready for Christmas music yet).

Well, till next time [Grandma]!

-Kate

Online Dating: To the Guys

Online Dating: To the Guys

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Picture it now.  It’s a lazy Thursday night.   You are sprawled out on the couch.  Eating Doritos.  Debating whether or not to order Papa Johns or attempt Hamburger Helper.   You are bored, and you’re scrolling through the popular dating site:  Tinder.

She loves Siamese kittens. Nah, that wouldn’t work; I hate cats.”  *Swipe*  “Whoa. Now there’s a hottie!  Eh….she seems high maintenance. ”  *Swipe*  “All right!  A Star Wars fan!  Wait….she looks a little too much like Spock.  Not sure how I feel about that….”   Then, just as you are about to stop swiping and order pizza, then it happens.  *Swipe..…*  *BAM*   There she is.  She’s beautiful. Check.  You quickly scan her interests.  You can’t believe it. You have so much in common!  This might be the real deal, you think.  Okay, slow down.  You logically conclude that you need to at least go out with this girl.  You’re definitely interested. So, you start a simple message and are just about to hit send.   But something inside you pauses.  “She probably gets a lot of messages,” you say.   “I mean, after all, she’s the whole package.”  Okay. *Goes back to her profile.*    “Hmm..she likes Bon Jovi.   Dachshund puppies. Wants to visit Italy.   Oh okay. Here we go:  ‘Perfect Match:   Someone who can make me laugh.’ ”  “Well then…. Mission Accomplished.   I’ll tell her that joke.  The one about the illegal immigrant; that’ll do it!   After all… it’s hilarious!   Or, I could tell her about all my amazing accomplishments!  I just need to set myself apart……”

Okay, let’s back up a bit. First of all, hi, I’m Kate.   I’m a female that has recently joined the online dating world.  Secondly, I am going to presume that, for all you guys out there reading, you are looking for the real deal.  So… the hook-ups, never-marriage-and-carriage, and the, “no-I-don’t-ever-want-to-meet-your-grandma”, can simply stop reading and move on.   Third, this is based on my personal experience, opinion, and some research on the topic, so I recognize I am not an authority on the subject; however, I can hopefully provide you with an entertaining read.  Furthermore, I am going to let you guys inside a girl’s head. (Well, 1 girl’s head.  1 out of the 3.7 billion females of the world that is.).  Okay, let’s talk about your profile:

Your online dating username.  The following are actual online dating usernames I’ve come across:  TapThat. SweetBCheeks. ITasteLikeVanilla. AnotherDouche, or B.M.  (To be fair, I think those were his actual initials. But seriously. Bless his heart.).  This really should go without saying….but please don’t use usernames like these.   Without being inappropriate, you can say something creative, funny or unique to you.  The following are some good and fun examples:  TopGunFan.  GrandmasLoveMe.  OutDoorEnthusiast. And, if you can’t think of anything, just use your first name.

Messages.   Okay, as you will see, I’ve received some crazy messages. Yes. What you are about to read are actual messages sent to me. I’ve also included my internal thoughts purely for your reading entertainment:

GUY A:      “So I recently went on a vision quest to the Patkai Mountains and the great Buffalo Spirit Hioyra said we are supposed to get married, go on adventures, start an insanely gorgeous family and live happily ever after!!    You are everything I’m looking for! Hope I can snatch you up before someone else does!! *4 min later*  You’re hotter then a Puerto-Rican picnic!  *kiss emoji*   Can we get married tmrw??”    (Props for confidence and creative humor. Cons for coming on way too strong.  At first, he seemed like a nice guy. Then became stalkerish.  That stage 5 clinger.  He kept messaging me non-stop.  And, he liked every. single. one. of. my. pictures.    *Blocked*    What is the Buffalo Spirit Hioyra? )

GUY B:   “Hey girl…I think I already messaged you (He did. Twice.)…. but I’m gonna give it the old college try again…something about you’re smile….and those lips!! Not to mention you have the sexiest legs…. do you like jokes? (Always a winner. The way to a woman’s heart: 1. Objectify her. 2. Then tell a joke. Classy.)  I thought you would….try this out for size….I told my wife…Homey…(I think he meant honey. Okay, that made me laugh a little.).….I look in the mirror and all I see is an old fat man….And I need a compliment right now. She says ok….Ur eyesight is damn near perfect. I says u dirty dog! Now if that joke doesn’t work…I’m gonna be honest with you. (hey, +1 for honesty.) I’m not sure what else would. But I’m not giving up!  I wanna take u home with me! (um, help?)  ima hard worker and can benchpress 190 pounds…”   (Hmm…Bench-pressing….always a nice final touch.)

GUY C:   “I can give you anything you want. I work-out every day. I eat right. I don’t smoke. I don’t have any baggage.   I have a good job and have been promoted several times. I am well-known in my company and people respect me.  You want to travel more?  I can take you to Europe.  Done.  Let’s go.    (Other then this has….“I want to buy your love” and  “I’m amazing/major peacock mode” written all over it, he seems picture perfect, right? Hmm……I think I’ll pass. )

So. What should you say?  Based on my experience, if I could use just one word it would be: sincerity.   Just be uniquely, genuinely, you.   In an ABC News interview conducted on Feb, 10, 2017, Laurel House, a Relationship Coach is interviewed.  She says, “….they are putting out this energy of perfection. “…..why don’t we all just stop pretending and be real. Because real is what allows people to feel like they know you…”   I wholeheartedly agree.  Be your handsome, smart, quirky real self. And, if the girl is interested (and you save your ferret infatuation for later), she’ll respond.   Find common ground. You both love baseball?  Well then…. knock that ball out of the park!  (Okay yeah…that was corny.)  Tell her about your love for music and your favorite band.  Ask her about hers.  Ask her why the Florida Everglades are on her bucket list.  Poke fun at her, but in a gentle, non-insulting way.   For example, do NOT say:  “Who collects stamps anymore? Laaaammmeee!”   DO say:  “Will Smith over Denzel Washington?  Aw, come on.  Denzel is the man!” This does two things.   First, it tells her you have an opinion.  Second,  it encourages her to voice hers.  Commence, flirty banter!

Let’s face it.  The dating world is tough.    And, to speak objectively, us women can be confusing.  We want someone strong and manly, yet tender and loving.  (So basically, the Channing Tatums of the world. Or Hugh Jackman. Or Clark Gable [if you’re my grandma].  Gregory Peck. [if you’re my mom]) But like you, we just want to end up with the right person.  We want that fairy-tale love (however unattainable it may seem).   That Notebook kind of love (but without the deception and love-triangle, drama thing. I’ll take Ryan Gosling though.)    That “Can’t Sleep Love.” (Thanks Pentatonix. That song is now stuck in my head.). That…”she’s-wearing-my-shirt-and-cooking-bacon-can-my-life-get-any-better! ,   kind of love.   Yeah. All that stuff.  So I guess, we need to wait [um, er, date] and see.   Like they say, ”You have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince (or princess).”  (Well,  in my case, I hope my prince likes to travel, as I’d take that over slayed-dragons any day. Oh.  And brownie points if he can cook.  Because um… #thatshawt).

Well,  I got to go.  I have a date.  We share common interests and he loves to cook. (Hey! +1).   It also helps he happens to look a bit like a younger version of George Clooney.  #Whaaa #Yup #SquealsLikeAMiddleschooler.

Wish me luck!

-Kate